The Armchair Fan
England v Argentina, 2nd Round France ’98
Well well well.. what a dilemma.. I mean whether to support the Poms or the
Argies. The things is.. the things is.. that we really like to see England
go out.. but if they go out too soon then we can't see them knocked out
later - see what I mean? And Argentina..well I'm not their greatest fan
really. It is a dilemma. Ok Ok - so I'm going to be a neutral. May the best
team win and all that. Ya beauty.. the World Cup.. seat in front of the
tele.. away we go.. it's going to be a cracker. What! Penalty to Argentina?
5 minutes gone! Ho ho ho chuckle chuckle.. 1:0. Well, if that's they way its
going to go then lets have 4 at least.. that'll wipe the smiles off their
faces. Only 5 minutes gone as well.. ho ho ho.. What? Penalty to England??
What a fine dive by Owen.. who says he is the innocent.. that one any
Croatian would have been proud of. It's a skill you see..a skill.. just
being a professional. 1:1.. we've got a game on our hands here. This referee
with the long neck's a bit dodgy though. Where's he from then? looks like a
South African to me.. maybe that's just because he looks like a giraffe.
WhaaaaaHHT? Owen -you beauty. 2:1 England! My my.. that was an absolute
scorcher. You know.. I think it could be England tonight.. I don't mind -
I'll just support the Dutch next round to make me feel better. We really
have a game now. these Argentinians won't collapse. That wasn't the last
goal by any means. Football - don't you love it. 16 minutes gone, three
goals.. 90 divided by 16 is.. my oh my.. this is better than Spain Nigeria.
You've got to be here. Ho hum 24 minutes have past and no goals. What
happened? It was 16 minutes gone.. I remember that.. what's just gone on for
24 minutes?? Oh my God! Argentina have scored! That was a bloody clever free
kick. Critical period before half time and all that.. Well well well well
well.. the second half is going to be a stormer! Damn damn.. where are the
English speaking half time pundits whe you need them? I'll try the radio..
just interference. Oh well.. it's a review of Belgian goalkeeping then..
Thing is.. thing is.. when you hear them prattling on you hate them.. but
when they are replaced by grey beards speaking a foreign language then you
miss them big time. I want analysis. I want controversy. Oh why isn't it on
the BBC. Phew.. second half.. here we go. May the best team win.. or may
England win.. I can't decide. They are pretty good though. Oh shit!!! Red
card!! What was that for? Let's see it again.. What was that for?? Lets see
it again?? What was that for??? Jeezus.. this referee looks like he is in
command but I'm not so sure.. Ok- something off the ball but the little
eejit was on the deck.. I mean surely that's a yellow. Blimey mate.. Red
card? That's a blow. It'll kill the game you know. Kill it.. always does.
Maybe an Argie will go off soon. Shit man - England are just pegged back in
their own half now. Why do referees spoil all the fun. Lob bounce defend
over the bar throw in nice tackle ohh. Goal for England! What? No? Good
grief. prepared for anything now.. what was that for? I tried that question
last time and didn't get the answer. This referee's a donkey that's for
sure. It's extra time. Golden goal. Can't see England getting it you know. I
think I want the blighters to win.. must have been all that singing in the
crowd. They've got the loudest fans, you have to admit that. Come on
England. It's a great game and a bit of justice would go own nicely. Bounce
lob pass throw in over the bar Seaman's got a safe pair of hands where's
Batistuta when they need him Beckham is a moron wonder if that Spice girl
will chuck him final whistle. Oh nnnooo. penalties. I can barely look.. I
hate penalties. On of these boys out there is going to feel the biggest
donkey in the World tomorrow. Here we go. Argentina have got the
psychological advantage you know.. kicking first. England always lose these
things anyway.. who says the Scots are fatalistic unlucky etc. Shearer -
yes!! What a dude.. cool as a cucumber..looks a bit like my brother you
know.. well maybe not.. The Argies miss!! Oh shit - maybe England are going
to win. Seaman's not that bad is he.. I saw him once play for Crystal
Palace.. not that anyone cares about that.. Ok.. here comes Ince.. Oh dear!
well it's still even stevens.. bet he'll not sleep tonight.. Probably would
have scored it if he'd been allowed to take it from thirty yards.. Owen.. oh
no - Owen's going to miss.. the goal hero turned scapegoat.. oooo it's in..
keeper nearly got it.. well maybe not.. Here comes Mercer.. an over the bar
for England job if ever I saw one.. he's scored! Sudden death kicks here we
come.. 4:3 Argentina... Who's this.. he's taking the kick.. hey Belgian
bloody commentator - who's the kicker?? Oh he's missed!!! It's over... who
the fuck was that.. oh Batty!! Well bloody hell.. what did they give the
ball to someone with a name like that for.. Oh no! No justice.. They're
out.. the country's going to be sick as the proverbial Norwegian Blue
tomorrow.. What drama.. what a fine game.. what emotional turmoil.. what an
idiot David Beckham is.. every team needs a Burley.. hero one day, machete
wielding thug the next.. Ho hum.. it's all over .. what colour of tie will
Jimmy Hill be wearing next week I wonder. My goodness my goodness.. I can't
get too excited about this you know.. England are out.. the World Cup is
going to be empty without them.. they even looked a good team this time
around. It''s a damn shame... Oh - Glen Hoddle on the radio.. usual stuff..
oh no.. what's this.. a pearl of wisdom a pearl of wisdom.. "it is not a
night about this and that".. indeed Glen indeed. It is not.